I’ve been trying to figure out how to frame this right every time I remember how irritated fictional monarchies make me. I think I’ve finally figured it out, so here goes:
So we all know a monarchical system of government is… bad, right? Like, history has countless examples of ‘hey maybe birthright rule is not the right way to run a country’ AND YET many a fantasy will not blink twice at ‘the good queen of the right blood replaced the bad king of the wrong blood and everyone was happy again’ ending, despite the obvious solution of the bad king not being a thing if we just got rid of kings. So many fantasies about princes and princesses and like… man, there’s got to be other interesting fantasy characters out there not so beheld to holding up the status quo. Like, c'mon.
(Obligatory disclaimer, yes you are allowed to have monarchies in your fiction and no, you do not have to bend over backwards to point out that monarchies are bad or whatever, especially if your book is about something else. This is just my particular hill to die on.)
Let’s say we do want to point this out via a sympathetic villain character, because that’s an interesting plot development. So say your bad guy’s like 'hey, monarchies suck’ and your hero’s like 'yes good point Big-Fat-Ugly-Bug-Face-Baby-Eating O'Brien but the theme of this book is recovering from trauma and there’s just no room for the chaotic upheaval changing our entire government would cause.’
So what do you do? You can’t change the system of government overnight in any realistic or satisfying manner. Big-Fat-Ugly-Bug-Face-Baby-Eating O'Brien might have a good point, but he’s also not going to make that point by eating babies. Well, you could try:
The Killmonger Method - The movie Black Panther did a pretty good job at having a villain with several good points about how Wakanda’s society was wrong, but went about proving them the wrong way. However, at the end of the movie, T'Challa came to see the value of those points, and started taking steps to correct it. He didn’t throw out Wakanda’s entire system, but he did recognize it was time for change. Your characters could do the same.
The 'Hey, Other People Have This Point Too’ Method - How do we avoid the issue of having a valid point wrapped in the cloak of evil (therefore making that point seem bad)? By having more than the villain make it. Maybe there are several people, groups, or organizations seeking change. They don’t all have to agree, and they might not get what they want at the end of the book (especially if you don’t have the page count to overthrow a system of government), but your hero becoming aware of them and opening up to change is worth exploring.
Progress Via Contact (not Colonization) - Your character’s worldview expands as they discover other nations, other forms of governance, and other approaches to society. Forming alliances, relationships, and trading with these other nations could bring change on its own.
The Nuclear Option - You could just break everything. I know this seems like a bad idea now, but what if? What happens if the world is shattered, and has to be rebuilt? Can you find hope in that narrative? A way to make things better the second go-around?
Now I’ve made this very specifically about systems of government, but swap it out with systems of magic, societal structure, etc and it hopefully works the same. The main take away is that you don’t have to change the world, but if the bad guy is actually right about change needing to happen, you at least need to leave the door open for that possibility. Even if the main character is the only one to realize that, even if that places a mountain in front of what seemed like a smooth path to a happy ending, it is worth exploring.
(Obligatory disclaimer the second: BIPOC and other marginalized folks who are only recently getting more opportunities to tell their own stories absolutely get a pass on the whole monarchy thing. I’m very specifically talking about Generic Bland Fantasy that could take the opportunity to shake things up, but don’t. Missed opportunities, is all I’m saying.)
A good thread on whether “queer” is a slur and if it should be used or not.
“If I am unashamed of being queer, you do not get to give that word BACK to the fuckwits who made it a slur.”
you do not get to give that word BACK to the fuckwits who made it a slur
EVERYBODY WHO CAME OUT BEFORE YOU HAS TAKEN THE ROCKS AND BOTTLES AND MADE THEM INTO SHIELDS AND WINDCHIMES
Holy motherfucking shit. Don’t fucking come at me about Queer is a slur. I FUCKING KNOW IT IS. It was hurled at me like a fucking spear all through my youth. I know it’s a god damn slur. And it’s mine. You don’t get to take it away from me because you can’t take also away the scars it gave me while I was standing in front of my younger queer siblings in this community.
always, always reblog this one.
If my enemy swings a sword at me and I take that sword away from them, it’s my sword now. And the person telling me I can’t use it because it belongs to my enemy and I have to give it back to them sounds quite a bit like an enemy themselves.
This came around again, but it’s worth sharing and remembering. You have the right to only accept certain words be used to describe you, but so does everyone else.
I have this bookmarked to through at people who DM me about using the word Queer.
all queer history on here is just US-American or maybe sometimes some UK history as well and it makes me sad that there’s so little information about other countries’ queer history on here :(
@makingqueerhistory has some diversity, as of historical queer people, and they’re doing a great job, but there’s a lot of work ahead.
OP is definitely right, there still is a huge gap in the discussions of queer history, and thank you for recommending us!
This isn’t perfect, and many of these only have one article, but here is our list of countries we have written about. We are hoping to one day have at least one article for every country in the world but as @every-book-has-a-secret there is a lot of work still to do.
I’d like to add Tom Of Finland (Touko Valio Laaksonen), the one who drew those erotic pictures of muscular men clad in leather, to the Finnish list.
Some say that Tom Of Finland was the father for the leather gay movement.
PERUVIAN QUEER HISTORY???? God, I love this site
[ID: The Chris Fleming “was anybody going to tell me” meme. A person standing in front of a brick wall speaks, with the captions edited to read, “Okay, was anybody going to tell me that my country has queer history I would’ve adored to know before, or was I just supposed to learn it from a wholesome Tumblr post myself?”]
@queerasfact is a pretty cool blog and podcast dedicated to international queer history!
Thanks for tagging us! We’ve got a list here of all our episodes sorted by country. There’s definitely a lot we haven’t covered, but if you’re looking for a specific area, you can check it out.
I just read this super sad post about this girl who’s asexual and married and everyone is basically telling her that she doesn’t deserve her husband/she’s just a prude/she should just do it anyway.
So I want to tell you all right now that if people tell you this, or if they tell you you’ll never have a relationship, it is BULLSHIT.
My husband is asexual and I’m not. He’s sex repulsed, we don’t have sex, we never have.
And it doesn’t matter to me. You know what does? He does. His mental health and wellbeing matter to me. Because he is my best friend and he’s one of the smartest, kindest, funniest people I’ve ever met. And he’s had people tel him that he’s broken and it makes me SO ANGRY because they are WRONG.
Being different doesnt mean you’re broken.
If you don’t like sex/don’t want it/etc. Do not let anyone tell you that you’re inferior because you’re not.
Do not let anyone convice you that you’ll never have a relationship because they’re wrong(if you want one).
You are not broken, and it will be okay.
This made me feel really good. Remember this, for all my ace spectrum friends out there
I hope you don’t mind me reblogging your tags but these are my feelings EXACTLY
I’m always a little nervous that I’m not “good enough” for a “real relationship” because sex isn’t on the table. So yeah, these stories are reassuring
The amount of pressure from society to have sex is incredible. We’re told it’s linked to relationship health and if you’re not willing to do every damn thing you’re labeled a prude. It’s incredibly disheartening, especially considering how one’s libido can change over the years even if you’re not ace. Nice to see a supportive piece from a partner.
OK, kids, buckle up it’s story time.
When I got married, I hadn’t had sex yet. Waiting until marriage was important to me, so that’s what I did. My wedding night was the first time I had sex.
It sucked.
I figured, ok, this is new for both of us, it’s probably going to take some practice.
A year later? It still sucked We tried a lot of different stuff. A lot of different stuff.
It sucked so bad, we even bought a copy of “Sex for Dummies”.
(it didn’t help)
I started working late so I didn’t go to bed at the same time as my husband. Every time he would travel for work, I’d be grateful that I didn’t have to go through the awkwardness of avoiding his advances when I went to bed.
He didn’t think it was healthy for a newlywed couple to have sex less than once a week. So we scheduled it. Repeat, scheduled intimacy. I thought I was putting on a brave face and doing what I needed to do to maintain a good relationship.
Because I had no idea that asexuality was a thing.
I talked to my husband, told him I didn’t like sex. He didn’t understand. I lost track of how many times I said: “It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you. I don’t want to have sex with anyone.”
So it was established, Amber doesn’t like sex.
But we still did it. Because I wanted my husband to be happy. Sometimes halfway through, I’d start crying.
And he’d always be supportive, and apologize.
After he finished.
So when I found out about asexuality, and told him how I felt, he suggested I go to a doctor. Because obviously there was something wrong with me.
So I went to a doctor.
(surprise, surprise, I’m perfectly healthy)
Then I told my mom. When she suggested meds to improve my sex drive, I broke down in tears. I told her there was nothing wrong with me. And my mom has been 100% supportive of my orientation ever since. When people ask if I’m a lesbian, she teaches them about asexuality.
But anyway back to my journey of self-discovery
So I tell my husband, I’m asexual, I don’t want to have sex. You are not asexual, you do want to have sex. One of us is going to be miserable in this relationship, and I’m tired of it being me. I love you too much to make you miserable for the rest of your life, but I love myself too much to be miserable for the rest of my life. We might have to face the fact that we’re not right for each other.
So his immediate response is “no, I can change, I’ll do anything, divorce is not an option, etc”
But I can’t exactly ask him to stop wanting to have sex. Because that’s not how allosexual people work. And he can’t seduce me into wanting to have sex, because that’s not how asexual people work.
Anyway. He cries, I cry, we decide on marriage counseling to help our comunication.
Because we’d been married for almost 6 years by this point, and had been together for 3 years before that, and we still can’t really talk about what we want (or don’t want) in regards to sex.
So we go to counselling for 6 weeks. The first 3 sessions individually, and the last 3 together. During the together sessions, the therapist would prompt us with a question, and we’d talk to each other, being completely honest about things.
During (what turned out to be) our last session, I’d finally had enough. I’d had enough of being embarrassed about what anyone else would think. Enough of the gender roles I was being forced into. Enough of paying someone to watch me talk to my husband. Enough of pretending to salvage a relationship that I had been increasingly avoiding over the past 2 years, and I said:
“Josh, I love you. We have communication problems, but we’ve been together almost ten years and I’m willing to work through those if you think we can make it work. But I am never having sex with you again.”
(At this point, the therapist who’d been trying to get us to communicate put down her notebook and said, ok I think we’re done.)
Then and only then, did he agree to file for divorce.
—————–
I say all that to say this:
Don’t you dare fucking tell me that asexual representation doesn’t matter. I would have six years of my life back if I had known.
And if you’re in a relationship, talk to each other oh my God. About everything. What dream you had last night. That song from scout camp that randomly gets stuck in your head. The reason you don’t like sweet potato. That embarrassing thing you did in third grade that still makes you mad when you think about it. If you and your partner can share these tiny, intimate details, talking about sex is no big deal. And it takes practice, so practice.
————–
On a happy note, now, 3 years after the divorce, I am in a happy, stable relationship with another ace. And if you happen to ask my mom how I’m doing, she’ll tell you “I’ve never seen my baby girl happier.”
It gets better. But it’s up to you to make it that way.
@theonetheonlyjordanelizabeth please read this ❤️ I may be sex repulsed but I know that I love you and thats what matters ✨
I know this is already really long and really informative, but I also wanted to add a partner’s perspective. I too, have an ace fiancee. I knew about it before our relationship. I didn’t know it was a thing until I met her, and that was huge to me because I learned something new and also came to understand an old friend a little better.
I, on the other hand, am not ace. I am at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I am pansexual, and she has a hard time I think coming to terms with the fact that I don’t want to make her have sex.
Like, ‘Really?’ you might ask me. Like really is my only reply. I have loved her for a long time now, and being we met over Tumblr and we knew one another before the relationship, sex isn’t a big deal in our relationship. and I can think of at least ten of my friends who would feel the same way right now.
ASEXUALITY IS A REAL THING, LOVING, SWEET ACE RELATIONSHIPS ARE REAL! Just because your partner wants sex doesn’t make you broken. Just because you don’t want sex doesn’t mean you should have to force yourself to do so.
Just be honest with one another, love one another. If a relationship can’t survive a healthy, honest conversation, then it wasn’t a very strong relationship to begin with.
TL;DR People who can’t see past sex as a ‘core’ in a relationship with someone ace/sex repulsed is an asshole.
I just want to point to this post whenever anyone ever says that asexual people haven’t suffered from discrimination or oppression.
People will say “write what you know!” But I know so little
“Bad books on writing tell you to ‘write what you know’, a solemn and totally false adage that is the reason there exist so many mediocre novels about English professors contemplating adultery.”
—Joe Haldeman
What a perfectly brutal comment.
FYI ‘write what you know’ has always been about writing from a legitimate place of emotion and thought and projecting that onto a bigger canvas, not limiting yourself.
Sure wish I’d known been taught that in high school, by the people who taught me “write what you know” in the first place.
A biiig problem is that most people who repeat this piece of advice don’t really know what it means, and boil it down to 'you can only write what you’ve experienced.’
But the real point is to take that rough year of your life, that day where everything went wrong, or that happy moment you always think of and spin it into something beyond yourself.
Don’t write the character who is completely different from you because you’re worried about Mary Sues - instead, tuck pieces of yourself within them, so you can understand how they feel even if you’d never be in their shoes.
Had a rough first year of college? Take the emotional up and downs of that and project them onto someone learning the ins and outs of learning zombie survivalism, being the first human at an alien school, or having to save a kingdom from a curse of its own making.
Whether you’re writing historical fiction, a video game script, or a coffeeshop AU, your ability to make those things seem authentic lies in your ability to understand and relate to how the characters feel.
THAT’S what 'write what you know’ is suppose to mean.
When I first encountered the literary classic Lolita, I was the same age as the infamous female character. I was 15 and had heard about a book in which a grown man carries on a sexual relationship with a much younger girl. Naturally, I quickly sought out the book and devoured the entire contents on my bedroom floor, parsing through Humbert Humbert‘s French and his erotic fascination for his stepdaughter, the light of his life, the fire of his loins — Dolores Haze. I remember being in the ninth grade and turning over the cover that presented a coy pair of saddle shoes as I hurried through the final pages in homeroom.
Although I remember admiring the book for all its literary prowess, what I don’t recall is how much of the truth of that story resonated with me given that I was a kid myself. Because it wasn’t until I reread the book as an adult that I realized Lolita had been raped. She had been raped repeatedly, from the time she was 12 to when she was 15 years old.
As a young woman now, it’s startling to see how that fundamental crux of the novel has been obscured in contemporary culture with even the suggestion of what it means to be “a Lolita” these days. Tossed about now, a “Lolita” archetype has come to suggest a sexually precocious, flirtatious underage girl who invites the attention of older men despite her young age. A Lolita now implies a young girl who is sexy, despite her pigtails and lollipops, and who teases men even though she is supposed to be off-limits.
In describing his now banned perfume ad, Marc Jacobs was very frank about the intentions of his sexy child ad and why he chose young Dakota Fanning to be featured in it. The designer described the actress as a “contemporary Lolita,” adding that she was “seductive, yet sweet.” Propping her up in a child’s dress that was spread about her thighs, and with a flower bottle placed right between her legs, the styling was sufficient to make the 17-year-old look even younger. The text below read “Oh Lola!,” cementing the Lolita reference completely. The teenager looks about 12 years old in the sexualizing advertisement, which is the same age Lolita is when the book begins.
And yet Marc Jacobs’ interpretation of Lolita as “seductive” is completely false, as are all other usages of Lolita to imply a “seductive, yet sweet” little girl who desires sex with older men.
Lolita is narrated by a self-admitted pedophile whose penchant for extremely young girls dates all the way back to his youth. Twelve-year-old Dolores Haze was not the first of Humbert Humbert’s victims; she was just the last. His recounting of events is unreliable given that he is serially attracted to girl children or “nymphets” as he affectionately calls them. And his endless rationalizing of his”love” for Lolita, their “affair,” their “romance” glosses over his consistent sexual attacks on her beginning in the notorious hotel room shortly after her mother dies.
This man who marries Lolita’s mother, in a sole effort to get access to the child, fantasizes about drugging her in the hopes of raping her — a hypothetical scenario which eventually does come to fruition. Later on as he realizes that Lolita is aging out of his preferred age bracket, he entertains the thought of impregnating her with a daughter so that he can in turn rape that child when Lolita gets too old
Lolita does make repeated attempts to get away from her rapist and stepfather by trying to alert others as to how she is being abused. According to Humbert, she invites the company of anyone which annoys him given that the pervert doesn’t want to be discovered. And yet, he manipulates her from truly notifying the authorities by telling her that without him — her only living relative — she’ll become a ward of the state. By spoiling her with dresses and comic books and soda pop, he reminds her that going into the system will deny her such luxuries and so she is better off being raped by him whenever he pleases than living without new presents.
Given that Humbert is a pedophile, his first-person account is far from trustworthy when deciphering what actually happened to Lolita. But, Vladimir Nabokov does give us some clues despite our unreliable narrator. For their entire first year together on the road as they wade from town to town, Humbert recalls her bouts of crying and “moodiness” — perfectly understandable emotions considering that she is being raped day and night. A woman in town even inquires to Humbert what cat has been scratching him given the the marks on his arms — vigilant attempts by Lolita to get away from her attacker and guardian. He controls every aspect of her young life, consumed with the thought that she will leave him with the aid of too much allowance money or perhaps a boyfriend. He interrogates her constantly about her friends and eventually ransacks her bedroom revoking all her money. Lolita is often taunted with things she desires in exchange for sexual favors as Nabokov writes in one scene:
“How sweet it was to bring that coffee to her, and then deny it until she had done her morning duty.”
Lolita eventually does get away from her abusive stepfather by age 15, but the fact that she has been immortalized as this illicit literary vixen is not only deeply troublesome, it’s also a completely inaccurate reading of the book. And Marc Jacobs is not alone in his highly problematic misinterpretation of child rape and abuse as “sexy.” Some publications and publishing houses actually recognize the years of abuse as love.
On the 50th anniversary edition of Lolita, which I purchased for the sake of writing this piece, there sits on the back cover a quote from Vanity Fair which reads:
“The only convincing love story of our century.”
The edition, which was published by Vintage International, recounts the story as “Vladimir Nabokov’s most famous and controversial novel” but also as having something to say about love. The back cover concludes in its summary:
“Most of all, it is a meditation on love — love as outrage and hallucinations, madness and transformation.”
“Love” holds no space in this novel, which details the repeated sexual violation of a child. Although Humbert desperately tries to convince the reader that he is in love with his stepdaughter, the scratches on his arms imply something else entirely. Because the lecherous Humbert has couched his pedophilia in romantic language, the young girl he repeatedly violated seems to have passed through into pop culture as a tween temptress rather than a rape victim.
Conflating love or sexiness with the rape of literature’s most misunderstood child is dangerous in that it perpetuates the mythology that young girls are some how participating in their own violation. That they are instigating these attacks by encouraging and inciting the lust of men with their flirty demeanor and child-like innocence.
Let it be known that even Lolita, pop culture’s first “sexy little girl” was not looking to seduce her stepfather. Lolita, like a lot of young girls, was raped.
I was going through this at age 11 when i got my hands on the book, and i never read it as sexual. I cried and related to her on such a deep level. Anyone who thinks lolita is a love story is gross.
Too real. Lolita means so much to me, because I was raped by an older adult man when I was 15 and years later when I came forward about it people said it was my fault because I flirted with him. A friend of his even teased me with the comment “weren’t you his little Lolita?” Lolita. Is Not. A love story. The continuous sexual abuse of a teenage girl is not love.
What chaps my ass is that NABOKOV didn’t see it as a love story. He found Humbert repugnant and went out of his way to make him so.
He hated that people saw it as romantic when he’d meant to write a fucking horror novel.
Nabokov literally wrote Lolita to show how disgusting these abusive situations are but nOOOOoooooo pop culture decides to immortalize the scared little girl as a SEX ICON and call this messed up “relationship” LOVE.
autistic people! spark research, partnered with autism speaks, is trying to find a prenatal link to autism so they can practice eugenics and eradicate autism from the gene pool.
executive dysfunction be like *wants to do something* *doesnt do it* *feels bad* *wants to do something* *doesnt do it* *feels bad* *wants to do something* *doesnt do it* *feels ba
I recently learnt that executive dysfunction can be broken down into two main categories: anxiety that your attempt won’t be satisfactory, or confusion about where to start or how to break it down into steps. As much as we feel bad about it, it’s extremely important to remember that it is NOT laziness and we in fact shouldn’t feel bad.
A friend asked the other day what percentage of people I went to youth group with “deconstructed” and what percentage remained evangelical. As I thought about it, I realized that for the most part it was the kids who took their faith the most seriously who eventually walked away.
Those of us who tearfully promised that we would follow Jesus anywhere eventually followed him out the door. The Queer kids, more than anyone, learned exactly what it meant to work out our faith with fear and trembling.
They told us to read the Bible and take it seriously and then mocked us for becoming “social justice warriors.”
Now they’re warning us not to deconstruct to the point of meaninglessness.
But they took a chisel to God until he fit in a box. They “deconstructed” the concept of love until it allowed them to tolerate sexual abuse, celebrate white supremacy, and look away from kids in cages.
Some of us got to where we are because we took it all to heart. We took the most foundational elements of our faith to their natural conclusions. Folks who deconstruct evangelicalism aren’t drop-outs; they’re graduates.
“Your
kids are not leaving the church because you didn’t train them enough.
Your kids are leaving the church because you trained them well enough to
develop a sense for truth and justice. You let them read the words of
Jesus - and they got it. And they’ve recognized that the church doesn’t
seem to be interested in those words. They’re not leaving because they
don’t know the truth, they’re leaving because they do.“
